Chapter 2: One
Month Apart
Dear Bella,
It has been a
month since I have seen your face.
Actually, that's
not strictly true. You are always there, every time I close my eyes,
like your face is tattooed on the inside of my lids. I can't begin to
tell you how often that picture has almost swayed me from my
decision; you are always smiling in welcome, like you would take me
back if I would only come. Well, I am telling you right now, I will
not. You deserve more than me, so much more.
Sometimes I think
about that. Who would be perfect for my Bella? I think he would have
to be someone strong, so he could protect you from yourself. Loving,
definitely; human, without question; handsome...maybe. I'm not sure
how you feel about looks, but of course, there would be no point if
you didn't like him. He would need to be pretty special though, to be
worthy of you.
I really don't
know what to do with myself anymore. I can't be around the others,
not even Alice, though she has always been my best friend. I can't do
my favourite things anymore, because they all centre around you or
remind me of you. I was thinking I would try tracking; nothing
specific, just catching a scent and seeing how long I could follow
it. I'm not sure how successful I would be. Probably I won't bother.
Mostly I find
places to hide where no one can find me. Then I curl into a ball,
close my eyes and let myself grieve for what I have given up. Truly,
Bella, leaving you fells like losing the world. I am positive that I
left my heart behind with you, though I can't be sure, since it
doesn't beat. I hope you're looking after it.
I did try to blend
into human society. Once. I won't try again. It was just so hard; so
hard to keep the agony off my face, when every heartbeat reminded me
of you. I was in a hotel, in Chicago. I hadn't taken a room; I just
wandered in and made my way to the room where the entertainment goes
on. There was a singer performing, a young girl, only about 14 or 15,
with a young boy about the same age playing the guitar and
harmonizing. They were good, I suppose. She sang one song that broke
my focus on my expression. She said it was called 'When Your Gone' by
Avril Lavigne, and it was all about the pain of losing a lover. It
made me think of you, how you must have felt at the start. The singer
came up to me afterwards and asked if I was okay. She said she had
seen me, and that I looked upset. She was trying to be polite; her
mouth said upset, her mind said devastated, agonized... heartbroken.
I told her I was fine, a little more coldly than strictly necessary I
think, but I honestly don't care anymore.
Once again, my
sincerest hope that you will find someone to make you happy again.
Happy Halloween,
my darling. No. I can think of you that way no longer. You are not
mine anymore.
All my love
forever and ever,
Edward
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